Depression

I haven’t written anything for a long time, life was busy, perhaps too busy to address my emotions, depression has hit like a brick. I should be really excited and happy, our youngest child is getting married.

I would but for the little niggle that keeps hitting me, my mum should be here to enjoy the festivities and celebrations, she’s not, she died three years ago. Yes I have missed her for all that time but I’m missing her more now, I’m missing her advice, reasoning and the simple thing like not being able to go dress shopping with her for my/our outfits, doesn’t sound much I know but to me its everything. I didn’t think that her not being here would mean so much , have such an impact, but it does and is, I find myself in tears at the simplest of things.

Memories, just one more day again.

Today has been a fabulous day but one tinged with sadness, we are midway through the Christmas holidays so decided to go out for the day, we drove to Dartmoor, one of our favourite places, the sky turned to a leaden black on the way there, the heavens opened and we thought we’d made a mistake in even venturing out, but within minutes the sun was shining and it was a beautiful day again, we parked at Hay tor, got out and then got back in, the wind was howling across the moor, the car was being buffeted from side to side, sitting there reminded me of being in that exact same place but with my mum, sitting in the car eating ice creams, (the one and only time that just mum and I had gone on the moor together.) Well the day progressed we drove, we walked, we had lunch, and the final stop of the day was at Dartmeet, a tranquil place that is abundant in birds, hubby parked the car as close as possible to the feeders in one of the trees so that we could watch them, blue tits, coal tits, chaffinches, black caps, black birds, sparrows, bull finches, a wrench, many others including a robin who followed me as I walked along the swollen riverbank, when I stopped it stopped, cocking its head from side to side whilst looking at me, couldn’t help but feel that he was trying to make me feel better, you see this is the first time in a long time that I have truly missed my mum!

The time that I’m writing this is 4am, I’ve been awake since 1.20am as I awoke from a dream, not a nice one either, I was back to a couple of days before mum died, one where I held her hand during a massive fit, one that took the spirit of my mum away, I’m sitting here typing this through the big wet tears rolling down my cheeks, if I could have one more day again then it would be that day on Dartmoor with just mum and I.

A day of thought

Today 9 years ago I lost a very dear friend, she was taken suddenly, tragically, leaving behind a grieving husband, son and daughter, I’m lucky to have them in my life, they enrich it, her children are like my children, they are of a similar age as my own, when I am struggling with life, need to think or just switch off I go to the sea, here’s a little poem I wrote tonight while I’m struggling to sleep, I think it sums up what living by the sea does for me.

The wind whistles across the sand
taking me by the hand
calling those that can hear
“come closer, come near, for I have the power to take you away, just for a moment out of your day”
I sit, I listen, I close my eyes, all I can hear are the seagulls cries
wait, no, there’s a rhythmic sound, my heart beating into the ground
the pulse of the waves singing it’s song
even if it’s not for long
I’m healed, fixed, rejuvenated, whole again
this is the pull of the moon on the sea
the pull of the moon on me

Time

Don’t ask me where time goes, I have no idea, one minute it’s new year the next it’s May, an awful lot has happened since the last time I wrote anything on here, my dad passed away, that was a shock as we were expecting it to be mum that went first, in a way it was a twist that had its good side, he said that if he were here when mum had died then he would do something so that he wasn’t, I’m glad he didn’t have to make that decision and that I didn’t have to live with what he could have done.

Life throws you some curve balls.

It seems an age since I wrote anything on here, a lot has happened in our family, good and bad but that is life.

December 2015 we had our final Christmas with my mum, we knew that she was living on borrowed time, her diagnosis of leukaemia came in August and she fought it so that she could see one last one with her cherished family , what a happy,  sad time it was, all the while enjoying the time but realising that she was not going to be here for the next one. She slowly went down hill in the new year and come March it was evident that she would not be able to stay in her house for any longer, to say that she was disappointed to go into hospital was an understatement, she was devastated and so was I, I felt that I was letting her down but she was unable to move,  and the hospice nurses were struggling to get her pain under control, (unfortunately she was allergic to morphine,)  in the last few weeks if I could have given her something to help her die then I would have but my hands were tied. I called in my brothers in the second week of April time to come and say goodbye, also my husband and I had a holiday booked and needed someone else to be there instead of me, I kept saying to mum that we would cancel our holiday and stay with her but she was adamant that we needed to go away and relax, well go away we would but relax no, the day before we were due to go away mum suffered a massive fit that was traumatic to watch,  I stood with my husband holding her hand whilst doctors and nurses rushed around to find some medication to help her, when we left she had no speech at all, I was devastated I would no longer be able to hear my mums voice, she also looked so stricken. The following morning we were going away so I went to the hospital to see her, all I got out of her was a shaking of one arm to shoo me away and mumbling that sounded like go, I left there in tears after giving her a last kiss and hug, I saw the doctor who said the end was very near, 24 to 48 hours at the most.

We drove to Cornwall, expecting a phone call any time, nothing happened that day, the following day we went for a walk to one of our favourite beaches, it was while I was alone walking on Marazion beach that my phone started to ring, it was my elder brother to tell me mum had gone, was I sad? Yes but also happy that she was not in any more pain.

What I should add at this time is that a week prior to her dying our eldest daughter had told us that she was expecting another baby, the delight of their news was overshadowed by mums ordeal but it was something to look forward to.

I grieved for my mum of course I did but I had done most of it before she had died, I had the privilege of being with her almost non stop since my dad had died in March  2014, I had been sleeping with her since September 2015 just in case anything should happen during the night, we laughed,  we cried, we reminisced and we celebrated special occasions together, I was so very lucky to have a mum who was one in a million, our relationship was special, she was my best friend, there is not a day that goes by when I don’t think of her, I miss her terribly but not as much as I thought I would.

Skip forward to December 2nd 2016 when I got a frantic phone call asking me how quickly could I get to Bristol? My reply about 2 hours why, well Holly is in labour and the neighbours are out so we have nobody to look after J! OK,  I’m on my way I say grabbing my bag and car keys, by the time I got there the baby had made an appearance, the excitement was more than I could contain, I slept fitfully that night,  because of excitement plus I was sharing the bed with my  3 year old grandson, that’s like sleeping with an octopus! The following day waiting to meet grandson number two was thrilling.

Life since then has been one big roller coaster ride, more of which I will tell you on another day.

I am happy again.

One  happy settled daughter wrote this, and I’m over the moon.

 

With fire in my soul I am happy again. So long old friend darkness, My mind clear with zen.   The cages I found myself in are now open. And single handedly I am coping.   Striving, achiev…

Source: I am happy again.

I am happy again.

The bubbles in my brain

With fire in my soul

I am happy again.

So long old friend darkness,

My mind clear with zen.

The cages I found myself in

are now open.

And single handedly

I am coping.

Striving, achieving and succeeding

to survive.

A human being by my side

does not define being alive.

True happiness lies within ones self.

Physical, mental, wellbeing & health.

This comfort zone has been extended,

From ear to ear, my smile won’t be pretended.

New bridges to cross

and new paths to travel.

Along my journey,

new friendships to unravel.

When I reach my destination,

I’ll write to let you know,

I’m happy.

and i’m settled.

and I’m glad you let me go.

View original post

Dear Prime Minister….from teachers everywhere.

Dear Prime Minister….from teachers everywhere..

To the woman who tutted at me using the disabled toilets…

To the woman who tutted at me using the disabled toilets….

Four generations

Glad that we were able to celebrate this day.

It’s been a long while since I came on here last, a lot has happened in that time, the biggest and best thing was the birth of our grandson, born on 13th November 2013, unlucky for some, but not us, we were so glad to be able to celebrate his birth with all of the family including my mum who has found reserves from somewhere to keep going through her battle with cancer, to be able to pass Jasper to her was something that I will hold close forever, it was like time had gone in reverse, because it felt like the time I handed her her first grandchild. Then of course we had christmas which was wondeful, we had the priveledge of having our daughter, her partner and new baby to stay for the holidays, it is such a special thing to be able to share this time, it made the fact that our youngest daughter was absent so much easier, having your children fly the nest is so hard especially at holiday times like christmas.